The “positive sandwhich” is not good.
Have you heard about the sandwich concept for delivering feedback? You say something positive, then something negative, and top it off with something positive. This approach is Baloney!
Negative feedback is hard to swallow, even if delivered via a positive sandwich (compliment, criticism, compliment). It’s a kiss, a slap, and then a hug.
Why it doesn’t work:
Negative feedback can backfire, put people on the defensive, and cause conflict. The problem with feedback is it’s usually negative, contains assumptions or judgments on the part of the giver, and is based on something that happened in the past. It can also reinforce self-fulfilling prophecies in people with low self-worth and competency issues.
Constructive criticism is supposed to be helpful advice delivered in a friendly manner. But what’s constructive about criticism? Let’s call it what it is — a desire to control and manipulate to change someone’s behavior. Plus, critical advice is just an opinion derived from someone’s point of view. So it may not even be true!
The big myth among leaders is that people don’t take feedback or advice personally. I don’t know about you, but it’s hard not to take criticism personally, no matter how slick it’s packaged and delivered. Successful people have a strong need to save face. We instinctively protect our ideas, decisions, and actions. Think of a situation where someone gave you helpful “advice.” Did you feel open and alert? Or did you zone out? It’s a natural tendency to defend our positions. Our brains are wired to support and justify our actions. It stems from the reticular activation system (RAS) in our brain that controls our responses to stimuli and protects us from overload.
What works?
Focusing on strengths is a better way to view others. We live in a world of opposites. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Managers get caught up thinking it’s their job to spot weaknesses to change those traits. Focusing on people’s weaknesses will only expand or compound problems. People take pride in their work, need to make meaning, and achieve personal identity in their work. A true leader knows how to bring out the strengths in others.
Dig deep for the truth. The real work is in the self. What we see in others, we also have in ourselves. Relationships of any kind are the windows to the soul, the mirrors that show us our true selves. Take time to be mindful of your judgments and automatic assumptions.
For example, let’s say the new guy at work bugs you. Something about him rubs you the wrong way. You start noticing all his little quirks, faults, and missteps. You can’t even have a conversation with the guy and begin to avoid him completely.
But if you step back and take a minute to examine your thoughts, you might discover that unconscious filters stemming from your own past experiences are clouding your vision.
The new guy reminds you of Uncle Frank. Uncle Frank is a real jerk, and you’ve never liked him. You never gave him a chance because the moment you met him, you subconsciously made up your mind that he was a jerk.
Future Focusing is the act of exploring positive action for the future. It doesn’t involve negative or personal critique because it’s not based on the past; it’s based on the future, which hasn’t happened yet. When we focus on solutions, not problems, we can envision the possibility of change. We can’t change the past, but we can imagine a better future. We can also increase the chances of achieving success when we envision positive future outcomes.
Try this approach: When facing a tough situation, giving a performance review, or resolving conflict in a relationship, start the conversation by saying: “Let’s brainstorm and look for solutions to move forward. What if we both come up with three suggestions or ideas to improve this situation? Please accept my ideas in the positive spirit that I intend. If only one of my ideas resonates with you, then that is a win. Just ignore what doesn’t make sense for you.”
And let the other person speak first! People tend to accept ideas that they “buy into” while rejecting ideas that are forced upon them. By approaching the situation in the spirit of collaboration, the other person now has a choice as to what they will or won’t try. It becomes their responsibility to embrace change and find ways to engage in the new behavior. You may just be astounded at the transformation that takes place.
BTW — I’m just an entrepreneur geek who successfully owned a few small businesses over the last 25 years. Now my passion is helping leaders take the right steps toward living stress-free, balanced, and rewarding life. And I like to be followed @pamnurrie
